Is Performance pressure getting to you?
As my friend Tina, 28, says, “Making love isn’t vital to world peace, it’s just a fun thing to do.” Right. Except we make it so bloody complicated. Yeah, I know, what with AIDS and other STDs, the stakes for getting intimate are higher than ever before, but there’s more to it than that.
“Over the past decade, there’s been an enormous focus on technique and performance-what you do, how you do it, how often you do it, who else is doing it, being able to have an orgasm, not being able to have an orgasm,” says counsellor Denise Knowles. “We end up concentrating so hard on the mechanics of sex that we forget what we’re there for, which is to enjoy ourselves.” Halu adds, “There’s a sense of self-consciousness, and that makes sex a performance of ‘How good do I look and how an I doing?’ rather than what it’s really like about-a time for giving?’ rather than what it’s really like about-a time for giving to each other. We just don’t relax.”
Or worse, we feign enjoyment and fake orgasm out of a sense of personal failure. “I want him to think I’m a good lover,” is 28-year-old Amanda’s excuse for pretending to climax. “I feel it’s my fault if I’m not turned on,” worries Elaine, 26 another orgasmic actress. Men aren’t immune to this self-defeating performance anxiety. “When I can’t make a woman come, I see it as a reflection on my skills as a lover,” says Jim,29.
We get so caught up in the idea of having an orgasm, we don’t experience the fun and pleasure of simply touching each other.
Aaargh! Small wonder that by the time we hit the sheets, all talking and playing , laughing and fun ends as we read major significance into every caress, nibble and moan. Where’s the joy in that?
Underlying all this is a basic misconception: there is a universally correct way to make love. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Fact: nothing’s incorrect; whatever makes you burn and vibrate is absolutely right. “All that matters is that you’re happy and enjoying yourself,” says Halu.
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